Jian, Stigmas, and #BeenRapedNeverReported

*I haven't read this over, I have done no editing, there is some swearing, and I can't promise it makes sense. I have been feeling so angry and frustrated all of today. I didn't know what to do with those feelings but I couldn't sleep and I thought writing might help.

I barely read the news; I find it’s usually just frustrating and annoying to read. There is never anything good in there. Given that I really enjoy(ed) The Q, when I heard about Jian Ghomeshi, I felt compelled to investigate and read some articles.

The first thing that I read was his essay on his facebook page on October 26 (You can read here). Now, Kate will back me up on this, immediately after reading it I did say that I did feel a little weird about his post. There were a few red flags that left me wondering if he was just trying to cover his tracks a little bit. I thought it was a bit weird how many times he mentioned his father’s passing, it seemed like a reach for sympathy and not very relevant to the message. But I have to admit, despite the red flags and weird feelings, that after reading it I was kind of on his side.

My side quickly turned as more and more women came out with allegations of assault by Jian. I think it’s safe to say that most people are no longer on his side.

Obviously this particular case is shocking because it’s someone who I had respect for and really enjoyed his work. But the bigger issue is how often things like this happen and nothing is done.

I am a pretty mild-manner guy and don't get worked up about too much. The one thing that makes my blood fucking boil and heart rate rise is hearing about a guy putting a woman into an uncomfortable situation. Now, before people blow up on that, I realise that it’s not only men that put women in bad situations, women do it to women, women do it to men and men do it to men. I know that and I should say that I hate when a person puts another person in an uncomfortable situation regardless of gender, because I do. However, for the sake of ease, I’m forgoing political correctness and just going with the overwhelming majority of cases of abuse, sexual, physical, or otherwise, which is a man against a woman.

I'll be honest is saying that “not so pure” thoughts have crossed my mind, but never have I ever felt or come close to acting on anything, it was never an option. Up until about 2 years ago I lived in ignorance just assuming that that’s how everyone thought and how the world worked. After meeting Kate she really opened my eyes to the prevalence of abuse, especially sexual abuse. I recently read a stat that 9 out of 10 women have been sexually abuse in some manner, and that 9 out of the 10 that have been assaulted never report it, and often never even talk about it at all.

Starting this morning after reading that 8 women have come out with stories about Jian, 3 of which met him at a book signing, I have been very angry. The book signing is significant because Kate has openly had a celebrity crush in Jian for a long time and a few years ago at the CBC’s Sounds of the Season met him at a book signing. In a different life, she very well may have connected with him and given her crush been one of the women reporting these allegations.

Kate and I actually had a long conversation about this this morning and she was the one that actually pointed that out. Our conversation quickly moved from Jian onto the simple fact of what I stated earlier, that abuse and assault happen ALL THE TIME, literally, and most of the time it goes unreported and these men get away with it. A lot of the time the women that it happens to brush it off by saying things like “Oh, it wasn't really that big of a deal anyway.” PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT! It is that big of a deal, in fact, it’s a HUGE deal. If two guys follow you into the bathroom at a bar, and one guy corners you, and makes advances at you but nothing “sexual” actually happens, but it leaves you feeling scared and violated, THAT’S A BIG FUCKING DEAL.

I use that example because in the conversation Kate and I had we talked about how that actually happened to someone we know, and this person's response was just what I said earlier, “Nothing actually happened anyway, it wasn't that big of a deal.”

Fuck that, those guys got away with it and now probably feel like they can do it again. This time though, there is kissing and they get away with it again. Then there is fondling, and still no reporting, next time is a full on rape and you know the sad part, the stats say they will probably get away with that as well.

There has been a big push lately regarding mental health. Clara Hughes has been the woman to really pioneer that frontier on the Canadian scene with things like her Bell Let’s Talk campaign. Regardless of who is leading what movement, the idea has been that we need to break down stereotypes and stigmas about mental health and get people talking about it. We need mental illnesses to no longer be taboo, we need to have it openly talked about and understood.

I agree wholeheartedly with this movement, and I think the exact same can be said for sexual abuse. It shouldn't be taboo, and it shouldn't be scary. As a woman you shouldn't have to feel ashamed or that if you contact law enforcement that they aren't going to believe you and take the man’s word over yours. Just as with mental health, the doors need to be bust the fuck down and we need to have open and honest discussion without judgment or prejudice.

I've been toying with the idea of writing something down for no reason other than not really knowing how else to get rid of this ball of anger and frustration that has been curdling in my chest. What finally spurred me to sit and put this jumbled mess of words together was the trending hashtag on twitter #BeenRapedNeverReported. As silly as I think social media is most of the time, it has its little moments like this. I don't know if this Jian thing has spurred this movement, or if it’s just a coincidence, either way I think it’s amazing and I hope it’s not just a quick thing that soon gets forgotten.

Whoever you are, regardless of gender, if you have ever been assaulted or abused let’s work together to break down the stigmas and taboos and make dialogue an acceptable thing to talk about. As we have started to do with mental illness, we need to make this topic more regularly talked about and set up much better support systems for care and access to help for victims.

Seriously go to the Bell Let's Talk website and change “mental health/illness” for “abuse/assault”.